It’s really hard to know where to begin. I could start with the usual woes in my life or I could head in the opposite direction and speak on the new woes in my life, either way it’s a sad saga!
I feel like everything in my life has spun completely out of control. I want to say the decent happened when I lost my job, but the truth of the matter is it started long before that. I’ve lived in this circle of one for such a long time that I can hardly remember back to a time of true happiness.
I guess it doesn’t really matter what happened in the past because it’s gone and I can’t change it. Perhaps focusing on the present, and what may happen in the future is where my train of thought should be.
I feel like a bad spell has been cast on me and no matter what I do I just can’t lift it. I’ve been told to pray and leave it in God’s hands. My faith is VERY STRONG and I pray daily, but answers don’t seem to come. I’ve asked why and got my hand slapped for questioning His will. But tell me something, if you don’t understand what’s happening to you and you don’t know how to change it wouldn’t you ask questions?
I’ve been trying to make since of why I lost my job and the tailspin my life has been thrown into as a result of it. I’ve gone through changes that I’ve never imagined I would. I’ve had to summon strength that I never knew I had. I’ve had to humble myself to levels that I hope I never have to again in this lifetime…and still I am no closer to understanding than I was when this all started.
I’ve forgiven the person that caused this nightmare, and I am trying to move past it all, but I think about the lie that cost me so much everyday and it makes me so angry. NO, my job didn’t define who I was but a large portion of my life was spent there and that job made it possible for me to live a lifestyle that I enjoyed – NO, I wasn’t wealthy, but I was comfortable and was looking forward to retirement. Now, I am living paycheck to paycheck – worrying about every dime, second guessing whether a purchase is a necessity or a want. And if it is a want do I really have the right to want it.
I’ve played the scenario in my mind over and over again what I would do if I ever came face to face again with the person that did this to me. Initially I said I would beat the living crap out of her, but I was angry then. After a few months I said that I would give her the cold shoulder. After a few more months I said I would ask her why then proceed to tell her about herself. After even more months I said all I would say to her is “you reap what you sow”. Now, I don’t have a clue what I would say to her. Hopefully I will get the chance to see her again because I want to look into the eyes of self-hatred and jealousy, and see what it really looks like.
I haven’t even scratched the surface of the thoughts currently running through my brain. The more I write the more thoughts pop into my head. When I start thinking of everything it all starts to run together like a bad watercolor painting.
It’s just the beginning of my chaos theory – thanks for letting me vent………………….to be continued.
